Choosing Gratitude for Good Things and People

First, the variety of gratitude I’m talking about is gratitude toward people who make our lives better, be it through acts big or small. That’s the first choice to make. So while you can start with savoring the sweet smell of pumpkin pie in the air, don’t stop there; thank Aunt Rose for enriching the bounty with her unique recipe and creativity. Realize that lots of people are busy this time of year and that there are always kind acts, small and large, to thank others for. It takes time and effort to brine a turkey! And all kinds of acts require a choice to be made and cost to be incurred by someone. Acknowledge that and how it matters to you (“I never forget the way my kids always devour your pumpkin pie”) and then go further by appreciating positive qualities in family members. Thank the brother-in-law for taking the time to find the perfect Pinot Noir for the meal and for their fine gastronomical tastes. Consider the traditions that make your holidays memorable and thank the people responsible. Heck, talk about ways for everybody to drop the electronics and contribute to the traditions while you’re at it so that everybody feels involved and special. Research shows that social experiences help produce the good life better than material possessions; one reason is that they are packed with unexpected little turns and surprises that end up becoming memorable.

Choosing Gratitude When It’s Difficult

You might be thinking, “Sure, but what to do about Uncle John who always shouts angry obscenities during football games” or “Grandpa Joe who can’t help but share his unsavory political opinions at the table and `ruin’ the mood?”. To that I say get creative and plan ahead! What’s annoying to you is usually what makes someone unique; so celebrate your differences and appreciate the novelty those family members bring into your life. Life is complicated and nobody at the table has the answers. Don’t let annoyance infect you and be ready to choose gratitude! Plus, research shows that novelty matters for happiness. Too late—you already replied in angry frustration to your uncle or your grandpa (perhaps because you didn’t get a chance to read this article first)? No problem. Simply back up, apologize for getting worked up, and appreciate a personal quality that you value in them. It’s not too late to bring your behavior in line with an attitude of gratitude. And resolving the dissonance may further grow gratitude in your heart too.

The Brain on Gratitude

It’s worth considering recent groundbreaking neuroscience research on gratitude. While evidence has long been mounting that gratitude has powerful cardiovascular and immunological benefits for people, researchers at the University of Southern California recently found that the experience of gratitude, observed under the scope of an fMRI machine, goes beyond activating the reward circuitry of the brain that produces satisfaction; it also activates other areas of the brain linked with the ability to understand others’ mental states, moral judgments, and social bonding.

Choose Your Best Self

In short, the choice of gratitude, whether for gifts small or large, cuts deep. Even underneath the skin, the picture emerging is that expressing gratitude to others—be they a spouse, relative, or friend—promotes personal, relational and social growth, and generally helps us construct a more meaningful life. Take advantage of the season to choose gratitude in your own way.

And don't stop there. Follow through with grateful choices regularly and mix it up. When you tire of journaling your gratitude, write notes of thanks. Or simply say thanks to people around you, especially the important ones in your life, and get specific so they understand why how they matter to you. Challenge yourself to look for opportunities to practice gratitude in small ways, large ways, set reminders even. Eventually, you will surround yourself with people who support you for your ideals and find yourself spending more time on what matters to you. That's the big goal in life really. Why not start now? That’s the way to enter the New Year with a better self in tow!

For more ideas on living and extending gratitude to the young people in your life, buy the book Making Grateful Kids: The Science of Building Character

Copyright Giacomo Bono, Ph.D. 2015